Caring for your sexual health is just as important and normal as caring for your physical and mental health.
- Has your sexual identity or gender been historically marginalized or shamed?
- Do you struggle to “turn your brain off” and be present during sex and intimacy?
- Seeking a better understanding of your body and what gives you pleasure?
- Have you had negative relationship or sexual experiences and want to heal from them and reclaim your confidence?
- Are you curious if your sex life is “normal”?
- Do you love your partner, but find you are not desiring sex as much now as you did in the beginning of your relationship?
- Wanting to learn communication skills and practical tools around sex and pleasure?
Sex therapy is a specialized form of therapy that helps individuals and couples address the physical, social, emotional, and cultural components that influence a person’s sexual health and wellness.
Most people will seek support for their physical or mental health at some point in their lives.
Seeking support for your sexual health and wellness is no different.
Your needs matter
Common obstacles to positive sexual health and wellness can be…
- Stress / Anxiety
- Becoming parents
- Negative past experiences
- Untreated physical pain or injury
- Discomfort with communicating your needs
- Cultural expectations that are harmful or unrealistic
- Low self-esteem
- Misinformation about biological functions
- Unhealed attachment wounds (e.g., infidelity, a betrayal of trust, a partner not showing up for a major life event)
- Societal injustices (your gender or sexual identity was shamed and stigmatized)
- You were simply not given comprehensive, factual, up-to-date sex education that combines an individualized approach to sexual wellness with practical tools.
How I can help…
It is normal and common for people to experience barriers to their sexual wellness. Common barriers are stress, anxiety, cultural expectations, body changes to name a few.However, for every barrier there’s a bridge.
In therapy with me, we will first work together to define what sexual wellness looks like to you. Not what the culture, or your friends and family say sexual wellness is; what you define sexual wellness as for you in your current stage of life.
We will then create a plan that moves you towards your goals while simultaneously addressing issues or obstacles that may come up as barriers to your goals.
The only constant in human sexuality is that it varies
You may be wondering…
Why is it important to work with someone specifically trained in sex therapy?
Sex therapy combines evidence-based research and professionalism with the awareness that sexual health & wellness will vary from person to person.
Ethical sex therapy respects the sanctity of the client-therapist relationship and will never cross professional boundaries.
Competent and ethical sex therapy will respect your values and beliefs around sex and sexuality. Non-judgment is the foundation on which effective treatment is built upon.
I also use “the six principles of sexual health” as a foundation of my work.
The Six Principles of Sexual Health include…
- Consent. Sexual health requires sex to be consensual.
- Non-Exploitative. Sexual health requires sex to be non-exploitative.
- Honest. Sexual health requires open and direct communication with oneself and every sexual partner
- Shared Values. Values are a source of identifying one’s sexual standards and ethics. It is necessary to know what your values and standards are, and be able to communicate them clearly with others.
- Protected from STI, HIV, and Unwanted Pregnancy. Sex built upon a foundation of safety and respect will aim to protect each person’s emotional and physical safety.
- Pleasure. Pleasure is a primary motivation for solo-sexual activity and the giving and receiving between sexual partners. There is a respect that what is defined as pleasure will vary from person to person.
You deserve support
If you’re seeking…
If you want to feel more empowered and confident in your sexual health and wellness and are seeking a supportive, non-judgmental therapist, I may be the right fit for you. I work well with people who want to break free of the barriers holding them back and want to reclaim their confidence. I find that mindfulness combined with practical, evidence-based tools help people feel more grounded and empowered.
Sex Education
“Am I normal?”
(2-4 minute read)
When it comes to sex, people have a lot of questions. Clients ask me all the time questions about their body, their fantasies, their relationship, the way they orgasm, the way they don’t orgasm. Behind all these questions is usually one question: “Am I normal?”, “Is my partner normal?”, “Is the sex life me and my partner have together normal?”
The short answer is, “Almost always, Yes.”
I have no judgment when my clients ask if they or their partner are normal. It’s a perfectly reasonable question, because feeling different can make us feel like we don’t belong or that something is wrong with us. It’s perfectly natural to want to feel OK and to want to feel like you belong to the larger group.
The unifying feature of human sexuality is that it varies. For this reason, the first step in therapy is to let go of “normal.” It does not exist and therefore is an impossible goal to achieve.
Skeptical of this? I don’t blame you. With all the advice columns, the podcasts, the books, and even some therapists out there, there’s always someone in our culture who is more than willing to tell you that whatever it is you’re doing, it’s wrong.
“Ok, I hear you telling me that there’s no normal and that there’s no wrong or right, but I’m not happy with the way things are. Does that mean I can’t be helped?”
The fact remains that there is no wrong or right, but there is a wrong and right for you.
It’s important to note that “wrong” and “right” are loaded terms that imply judgment. As we know, sex + judgment = total sexual buzzkill. So, one way I help my clients is by teaching more helpful terms. For example:
Rather than “wrong”, we use the term “brakes.” Specifically, we’re interested in learning the brakes for you (or your partner).
Rather than “right”, we use the term “accelerator.” Specifically, we’re interested in learning the accelerators for you (or your partner).
Brakes are the biological, social, and psychological processes that make it less likely or harder for you to experience pleasure.
Accelerators are the biological, social, and psychological processes that make it more likely or easier for you to experience pleasure.
“Can you just give me a list of what’s a brake and what’s an accelerator?”
Short answer, no. Only because no such list exists.
This is because, what is a brake for one person might be an accelerator for another. Also, we want to understand the context in which brakes and accelerators exist.
Oftentimes, what people think is a brake or an accelerator, is actually context.
“So, if partners have different brakes, accelerators and contexts; does that mean they can’t have a fulfilling sexual relationship with one another?”
Simple answer is, no. Most happy couples who report a fulfilling sex life do not have the exact same accelerators and brakes & can also struggle to find or create contexts in which they can increase their accelerators and decrease their brakes.
Also, what encompasses a “sexually fulfilling relationship” is…say it with me now…different for everyone!! Moreover, what is sexually fulfilling and pleasurable for you or your partner will likely evolve over time.
“So, Claire. You keep saying there’s no one right way to be sexual or experience pleasure. You say that in order for me to feel more empowered and confident about sex, I need to curious about what my unique preferences and contexts are. Is that really true? It feels too simple!”
I don’t blame you for being skeptical. When it comes to sex, we are taught to not trust our own bodies and intuition, and we’re taught to look for the weaknesses, not the strengths.
Let me give an example to illustrate. Let’s say the magazines, the podcasts, your friends and family (i.e., the culture) says that in order for you and your partner to be a happy couple, you both need to sit down and eat a homemade, healthy, delicious dinner together at least 3-4 nights a week. And one of those nights should be a homemade pizza night, to keep it fun 😉
At the beginning of your relationship, this all seemed easy! You and your partner could sit down and eat a homemade dinner 3-4, sometimes 5 nights a week no problem! You even got a pizza stone for pizza night.
However, as the years go by, responsibilities, bodies, and needs evolve. The demands of work and family likely increase, so now, making a homemade meal 3-4 nights a week feels overwhelming.
Moreover, over time, one of you may have grown a distaste for pizza, so now that “fun” pizza night has become a bit a stressor.
Still, wanting to be a “healthy couple”, you both rely on bland, unsatisfying takeout to ensure you can at least sit down together 3-4 nights a week. Most of those nights you both are totally exhausted and barely able to hold a conversation, but doesn’t matter, because the important thing is your doing what the advice columns said of sitting together 3-4 nights a week…right?
Doesn’t matter if one of you really prefers to not do a pizza night anymore. The important thing is to do it because it’s a way to “keep it fun”…right?
Doesn’t matter that we’re measuring the quality of your relationship on random, predetermined requirements that you may or may suit your current relationship’s needs, values, or preferences…right?
Doesn’t matter that your relationship likely has a whole host of unique ways in which you bond weekly (laughing together, cuddling, other forms of intimicy, playing games, exercising, reading together, etc.) but haven’t been recognized or praised…right?
Right?
No.
Not right.
Let’s stop the madness and start finding what works for you!
“So, there’s hope for me/us?”
There’s always hope.
I know it’s a big leap of faith to trust that behind your struggles are opportunities.
In therapy with me, (whether you’re a couple or an individual) I will help you identify your brakes and accelerators, the contexts in which they exist. And most importantly, understand the underlying processes that makes sex pleasurable for you.
I help couples and individuals:
- Expand their definitions of sex and intimacy
- Decrease sex and judgment around sex and intimacy and increase play and curiosity!
- Gain communication tools and skills,
- Increase the quantity of opportunities for sex & intimacy.
- Improve the quality of sex & intimacy you are having.
- And Ensure that you’re having the sex you want, not the sex you think you’re supposed to have.
“How do we start?”
You start by…
- Accepting where you are now.
- Looking for the opportunities to grow in the now.
- Acknowledging the challenges.
- Accepting that “healthy” evolves.
- Acknowledging that no one can define healthy for you and and/or your partner.
- Not equating happiness to perfection or random measures that do not equate to satisfaction or pleasure for you.
“What if I’m a little unsure of how to get the ball rolling, or I’m intimidated to get started?”
Well, that’s why I’m here. I’m here to create structure and organization using fact-based sex education within a safe, non-judgmental, professional environment so you can discover and create your path to sexual wellness.
I encourage questions! You can schedule a consult today using my online scheduler. I look forward to speaking with you and discovering your authentic path to sexual health and wellness.
Location
1195 Valencia St
San Francisco, CA 94110
Phone
(415) 917-3780